New Adventures in BDSM

The Question...

2011-05-22T13:02:00.000-07:00

Today Hedwig came and took her stuff from my house. It's funny, I didn't know what to say to her: I'm so blown away by it all...

The thing is though, it's not really about her, it's about the fact that clearly I've made a number of really serious errors of judgement and now I don't feel like I can trust myself anymore, nor can I trust anyone else. I also know that I've completely lost touch with who I am and I've lost touch with my friends. For the first time in a very long time I feel truly alone and living on borrowed time as they may all evaporate in the next few months...

The breakup and my behaviour have made me ask myself a number of really peritnant questions:

What is it really like to be in a relationship with me. I think the truth is that at the moment it's really boring. I feel like I've lost a part of me that made me exciting, and I don't blame Hedwig for walking away because I was offering her nothing but a regular life - and that's never been the life which I want to live. It makes me want to go on an expedition somewhere or sail round the world - anything to prevent the drudgery of everyday life setting in. I've been really boring as I've fought for a career - I've gone from nothing to the top of my profession in 2 years - but now it seems a hollow victory as it cost me the people I care about the most, me and her...
How can I trust anyone? Every person I've ever gone out with there's always been something about them that I didn't trust - generally I was right to think so. The thing is though, that with Hedwig I was regularly wrong: she was an amazing person and although I don't think she's a relationship expert in any way, I recognise that I regularly underestimated her. Part of me says that we were never on the same team, and that was true, but I don't see what she or I could really have done differently...
How can I trust my own judgement? It's clear to me that I really could have done things differently and that my radar was down to a lot of this. I didn't see it, and I took it for granted that because we were polly we would just tone down our relationship at times where we weren't doing to well and needed space - clearly, I'd confused 'poly-theory' with reality. I obviously missed a massive load of stuff that was going on in the relationship and that's not happened before. Either that or you can just take me or leave me and I'm totally forgettable with time...(setting up an immediate jump to question 5).
Who am I? At the moment, apart from being a boring fuck who can't talk to anyone about his job because it's IT (even though he has to endure others talking about their incredibly dull professions ie HR), well: I'm a spitefull, vengeful, frightened and lonely person - I AM WEAK and it shows... I struggle to contain the rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts because what I don't want to ask myself is as above: Can just take me or leave me? and 'Am I totally forgettable with time'...
So, to the title of the post, because I guess this encapsulates it for me at the moment, is: what is the point? I've been through this over and over again with relationships, so it just seems so meaningless when you can give your everything to someone, they can give their everything to you, and it's still not enough. Not only that but when you break up and the other person says "I'm sorry you're hurting so bad [...but clearly it's not affecting me]. "

If anyone has any good answers to question 5 then...

Don't...

2009-12-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

...try and wank your boyfriend off during the Shelob scene of LOTR.

You feel like the only explanation is that they're conditioning you to have some kind of bestiality/dwarf/snuff fetish!!

A short note to the Males of the species...

2009-12-10T10:38:00.000-08:00

It was my birthday recently, so I decided that as D/s has always interested me - and for some reason I have had a battle with throughout my BDSM 'career' - I'd buy some books. I got:

Master & Slave Relations by Robert J Rubel PhD
Protocols: Handbook for the female slave by Robert J Rubel PhD
SlaveCraft by a grateful slave
The Control Book by Peter Masters

I've not read them all and in fact I'm struggling. TBH the only one with half a clue is the one by a grateful slave. The rest fall into the category of what I would like to call 'UNSPEAKABLE BOLLOCKS'...

My sub is not as valuable to me as a 'particularly prized cat'!! I think evolution may pass on such things as body-shape options; amount of fast-twitch muscle fibre, eye colour, etc.

I DO NOT THINK THAT IT PASSES ON THE 'HERO ABILITY' TO MEN AND THE 'MOTHERING ABILITY' TO WOMEN!!

The most terrible thing about all this is how I feel about the world around me. I know I must be a pioneer; it's the only way to explain how when you look back at old TV programs and see the attitudes they had, the jokes they made, etc. you cringe - well I'm cringing already and they're brand new... I wonder how we got it so wrong and I've come to a conclusion on why and how to sort it...

MEN OF THE WORLD. YOU GOT IT WRONG. YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELVES LOOK INCREDIBLY STUPID. YOU CLAIM TO BE LOGICAL AND INTELLIGENT, BUT YOUR METHODS AND CONCLUSIONS SHOW NONE OF IT. YOUR INITIAL SUPPOSITIONS WERE WRONG AND YOU'RE BUILDING ON AN ERROR; YOU'RE JUST TOO EMOTIONAL TO ADMIT IT.

YOU'VE GOT IT CONSISTENTLY WRONG. YOU NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP...

Tantra (WRONG!! You're doing it Wrong!!)

2009-12-08T10:18:00.000-08:00

I'd like to share with you the pleasure of my first attempt at tantra:

I think that we can all be adult enough to understand that we all have sex with ourselves from time to time, and today was no exception for myself. However, I decided (mid-effort) to attempt to do the whole tantric 'blocking off the tube' trick... I think I left it a little late, however, so I decided to push quite hard to seal off the tube... Unfortunately, I don't know what I pressed, but it actually had the effect of intensifying my orgasm massively; as you can appreciate, it's not often that I press there for any reason, so how was I to know...

Without going into too fine a detail, I'm going to spend the next few hours going through my book collection, which was about 6' away at the time... I think we all know why...

Thank you, Tantra...

A new horizon...

2009-10-13T16:34:00.000-07:00

The day before Club Pedestal, I received the following:

"I am going to have so much fun with you, but more important, I'll hope that we will have fun together.

First, a couple of more things that would be great if you could bring.

Got one black shirt with ruffles lying in my drawer, as well as one white shirt, plus a pvc-skirt lying around. You got some toys to, if you could bring them so I know what to use on you :)

Please do not forget your own boots.

Please also study the following video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPQbffBjWz8

as I trust you to give me a hand'job'. Speaking of which, abstinence from wanking and cumming from the beginning of Thursday (00:00) until I say so.

Tomorrow, if I can meet you at Liverpool Street that would be good. We will have an early dinner, and I will expect some things from you, except for all those sweet things you already are.
The plan for the evening is dinner, get ready in the house, get to Pedestal and have loads of fun.

A little notebook and pencil will travel with us an, and if you happen to break a rule and I find that a punishment is needed, I will say 'Book' and then, depending on the severity of the offence (judging is completely arbitrary from my part...) I will say how many 'dots' you earned on the offence, example:

'Book, two dots'

You will take this down. In the end of the evening I will return to this book.

So during the evening: No fidgeting, no picking noses (a hankie is ok), picking ears or such.
Don't forget the perfume (bring it with you even, I might want you to smell even more of it :) )

You will open doors for me. Carry what I ask you to carry.

Upon arrival to the club you will take care of the arrangements regarding the cloakroom, for which you will be responsible for the rest of the evening.

As we arrive fairly early (hoping to at least, if everything goes according to plan) there is plenty of time to sit down, relax and have a drink, doing all that does not require any description, dunno why I wrote that :) Except that I would like a vodka and lemonade as a first drink.

You will be collared at some point during this time and from that moment you are mine. Not my property but my sweet, randy and very usable toy/boy/man/whatever. You will address me with 'Miss' if you are talking directly with me, 'Ve' if you are referring to me.

So far, that is it. I know you will ask me if you don't think I make sense ;)

Love you so much!

Kisses

It was hot and sticky. I raced along Norwood Road towards Herne Hill Station...I was late. Not intentionally, but due to work, I found myself at a closed Herne Hill station, unable to make my date at the restaurant. Reluctantly I phoned Ve to tell her; she was firm but fair - 10 dots went in the book and I stood there exhausted and feeling like I wanted to cry: I had already let Her down and I'd failed before I'd even began.

That's a thing about subbing, for me, the fact of how POWERFUL it is in comparison. I love Doming, and it comes naturally, but subbing is uncharted territory. In doming, I am in control of how much pleasure I extract and I run my sessions so as to chart my course to a civilised or moderately intense orgasm. With subbing, I have no control and am forced to experience all these emotions and sensations with someone else controlling what happens...

I arrive at Ve's house and proceed to help her to get ready. She took care of me a little, as I felt SO bad for being late, then we picked up S. and headed for Vauxhall. I can remember picking up a few dots here and there for fidgeting; and learning that it didn't matter what you'd actually done, but more what it was considered that you had done.

Carrying all Ve's bags, we made our way to the door where they were searched.

"You can't bring food or drink into the venue" said the bouncer, looking at the carton of custard and the two cans of squirty cream.

"That's not what they're for." I replied curtly.

Having passed security I was sent into the changing area behind the ticket office. It was mostly guys getting changed (or undressed, as a more accurate description) and that feeling of being treated a bit like cattle was actually kinda hot. I mostly wear uniforms to the clubs and it was a real change for me to wear actually very little (a practice I intend to do more of in the future!) and the first time I had publicly cross dressed (to a limited degree, obviously). The rest of the coat and bags were checked in and we made our way to the bottom of the stairs. Despite the unfortunately timed arrival of a friend, we then engaged in the collaring ceremony. It was an odd feeling to be collared - I kinda looked forward to what was going to happen next, but I felt like I wasn't taking the collar seriously enough.

We proceeded upstairs and were greeted by 4 of the house slaves, the first thing I remember about them is they were old. I'm not ageist and maybe it was by chance, because there are actually some seriously hot house slaves inside, including one who looks like 'Link' from 'The Matrix Reloaded', but I think a mix on the door may put the younger, newer Mistresses at ease. We continued up the stairs, I got the lemonade and vodka from the bar and we sat down in the Club Colosseum's reception bar area. We chatted for a while, which allowed me to feel more at ease, before taking a turn around the club.

Inside the club there are various rules to be obeyed in various rooms and areas. There are several areas where men are only allowed to crawl and one where men may only speak if spoken to (I know, idyllic, no?!), it was there, the Goddess Room, to which we headed next. On the way we bumped into a friend called Theda, who is part of the club's management team.

"Hello Ve! Lovely to see you, and your pube headed boyfriend too!"

That made me mad. TBH I should have had a sense of humour about it, but I was starting to feel uncomfortable about this whole thing. What was going to come out of my mouth was not appropriate for a FEMDOM club and so I decided to stay quiet, but as you can probably tell, emotions were running high in me at this point.

In the room there were many people playing and some friends for Ve to say hello to (S. had detached at this point to go find her own brand of fun). After saying her hello's I was publicly bent over a horse (bench, not animal!) and had a butt plug inserted (one of those njoy steel ones - rather good, so much so, in fact, that I'm wearing one as I write!! ;) It was kind of a nice feeling being exhibited like that...I think I still have body issues about nudity and hence someone finding it worthwhile to exhibit me as their own has a pleasing effect. Ve then went and sat down in a chair and I began to give the hand massage (shown in the instructional YouTube clip listed above). I'd really tried hard with this one, I'd written it out and ensured that I gave her hand my full attention. As I sat at her feet (in squaw pose) I could feel the butt plug banging into the floor. The butt plug is fantastic... it actually has an effect on me and makes me feel sexual and horny, which was not what I expected when I was first convinced to try one. Once again, Ve asked me if I was OK...

The truth is that I struggled massively with the concept of the club, but at the same time was determined to uphold it's laws and not break out of headspace. As a fairly alpha guy, I'm used to being a first class citizen... here the rules had changed and men were second class citizens. Now obviously all the other men were loving this, it's only a role, a seduction, a game, right? Well yes, but I as a person have spent a lifetime with people trying to control and repress me and I have spent a lifetime fighting back...I won't accept someone oppressing me, it gets me on a very deep level. I told Ve that I was having difficulties with the laws of the room and so after a while we left: Things had, however, changed for the better now...it was having vocalised what I was feeling and having understood it myself that allowed me to begin to let go and actually enjoy what was happening.

We went back to the reception area, had a short sit with friends and then went to the main play room to see what fun was going on. By now I felt at home a little more. I was talking to other male subs, who were friends from outside the club, and having my friend N take great pleasure in my predicament. She was there with her lovely bloke F (who TBH deserves a canonising for putting up with his smart-arse gf ;). We decided to go get my first trampling done...looked like fun and so Ve generously gave me away to S. who, dressed in her amazing latex stockings, led me into the cage. I hopped over several men, who looked well fed up that I was trying to get through, and lay down on the floor. It's really odd getting turned on by a friend...not that I was complaining as S. pushed her latex-clad feet over my face and body, massaging EVERY part. Ve came and held my hand through the bars, then some other random woman (who seemed very enthusiastic, and very NEW) proceeded to trample me even more. At last I felt like I'd relaxed a bit and that I could have some fun.

It wasn't long after my trampling however that the main event of the evening was to arrive (in full sight of everyone). I was tied to a pole and a caning was administered along with a flogging with a rubber flogger...I hate SM sometimes, but I was anticipating what came next... then out came the cream canisters

WAM and humiliation really do it for me. The idea of my everyday immaculate persona being destroyed and torn down... to be defaced and denigrated hold some incredible mystique: The cream cans were paused over my face and time stood still...

OK, SO THE TRIGGERS BROKE ON BOTH OF THEM AS VE WAS OVER-EXCITED AND ALL I GOT WAS S. LAUGHING AS THEY BOTH DRIBBLED LIQUID CREAM OVER ME...But it was HOT!! Ve tried to clean me up a bit and simply stuck the cleaning towel to my face. I was humiliated. I smelt like cheese. I had to go to the bathroom and wash myself 100 times...but I was a VERY happy subby, running around the club with my semi erect cock poking out from under my skirt (again, something I'm too proper to do, usually...)

A lovely guy called Adam, who'd been servicing S.'s feet, helped me clean up a bit and we eventually retired to the crawling area (after some time in the bathroom, some arguments with the soap guy and some humour from the other male subs who wondered if I'd 'creamed myself'!)

In the crawling area I took to my knees and worshipped the legs and feet of my lovely Ve. Adam was slightly confused by the fact that I usually called her Sir, but I think that confusion was removed when she put on her strap on and ordered me to give her a blow job.

In between me worshipping her and her going to get her strap on something very unusual happened. I had sat on the step (as opposed to kneeling) and a random Mistress had a go at me for it. Momentarily I felt attacked, but then actually I thought that whilst it was a little remiss to shout at someone else's slave, I actually respected her for trying to keep the club rules. A few moments later some guys above us, who'd had their fun for the evening, ignored all calls to obey these rules and I was surprised at how angry that made me: If I can do it, and I'm a dom, then you can show some respect to the people who work so hard to give you this pleasure and obey the rules...I found it a typically male thing to do - who gives a fuck about the silly bitches once you've got off, right?! I also felt that it ruined and broke the atmosphere for me...fortunately they left...

I thoroughly enjoyed giving her head and deepthroating her cock. She forced my head down onto it many times until I choked and she shuddered. Finally she spat in my face as a form of ejaculation...a deep and surprising experience!!

Finally, we went to play a little on the floor where we were sitting where I discovered one final and amazing thing... I love having my cock and balls kicked (CAREFULLY!!)...I like it so much that I've just bought Ve 'The Family Jewels' as a welcome back present...she seems very pleased with it! ;)

Upon getting back I was treated to a freezing cold shower (where I screamed like a young girl) and finally to bed to cuddle and then to sleep.

It was actually an amazing experience which has forever changed the nature of our relationship. I'm not an amazing sub, in fact I'm quite difficult as I don't have enough experience to stop being nervous. I am however keen to know more. What got me was that I had LITERALLY NO IDEA I LIKED THOSE THINGS. I'd never have believed you if you had told me that I would...

What else lies down this dark path? (Except an amazingly kinky holiday bound naked on the floor of a 5* hotel in Prague!!)

Age Play and Paedophilia...

2009-02-25T16:00:00.000-08:00

So, I'm back...

There are reasons for my absence, but I'll go into those on another post...(nothing too serious, chin up!!)

I was reading the recent blog war (or all I can take of it) between pro-BDSM feminists and RadFems (see here for more) ...

One or two of the RadFems have finally agreed to look at the idea of BDSM with a little more of an open mind, which is great! I know I'm a man and therefore the spawn of all evil, but I can't help but think that clinging to a theory because 'it's what other radical feminists think', particularly in the light of a plethora of evidence provided by other women, is not a bright idea. I might push Ve around to make her cum, but I'd hate to do it for real in a situation where women's rights were concerned...!! OUCH!!!

In her statement, however, she notes that whilst she is getting to grips with other things, the idea of age play is "too close to paedophilia!!!" I've seen this before and from intelligent people it really gets me...

I'm going to quote from my book now (yes, I am still busily writing...). If you have a problem with any consensual fetish, then try this:

Jim’s Point: Never believe anything you’re told as being the absolute truth. Go, with an open mind, and see for yourself... (And that includes anything I tell you!)

Jim’s Method:

Stop!
Calmly apply logic (a priori logic* only, please) and reason.
Imagine you were the person: Does it make sense for you to act that way given what you have just deduced from their behaviour?
Presume that the person whose point of view or actions offend you is a human being just like you – extend them that courtesy and...
Talk to them; enquire a little...
Take time to make a proper and extended study of the action or the subject(s) and if necessary add original thoughts of your own until the process makes sense.
Cross check your thoughts on the matter with the people concerned or similarly disposed individuals.

Jim’s Law: ALL people have the right to their own sexuality and the right to consent, irrespective of what you or I or society might think about it. Between two consenting adults, unless their actions will result in death or permanent debilitating injury, there can be no crime.

If you can suspend society’s knee jerk reactions, study and evaluate for yourself, then the passage through this land will be easier and will bear more fruit.

* A priori logic – logic that is intrinsically true without any experience, e.g. a two dimensional shape with three corners or vertices and three sides or edges which are line-segments, is a triangle. So for example,’ BDSMers are all weird’ cannot be ‘a priori’...

When I first came across this 'weirdness' it was first hand...

I was happily fucking away one day with a hot new girl I had found, who had a fantastically deviant mind, when the following came out of her mouth:

"Fuck me, daddy!"

I won't pretend to you that I wasn't shocked for a second, but I thought...'okay, that's her kink.' There was no crime, so I continued and asked how my little girl was and stroked her hair... the results were, as you could imagine, quite explosive!

This was my first Daddy/L'il Girl relationship and, to be honest, it was brilliant. I find it so shocking that when I looked it up I found that people were linking it to paedophilia...

Now, my controversial views on paedophilia...

1. The safety of children always has priority.
2. The act itself is wrong because a child cannot consent.
3. Watching that kind of porn is wrong, because the children in it cannot consent.

however

Being a paedophile is fine, provided you never engage in the two actions mentioned above - I believe that if being a perv and sexually awaking with kinky fantasies is hard, then being a paedophile and having to never act on them must be an UNBEARABLE BURDON!
I think it worth investing time and money into GENUINE (ie not electro aversion or 'talking therapies') attempts at treatment or help.
I believe that paedophiles who annotate photographs of children should not be criminalised: I would rather they be at home photoshopping/trying to control their urges, than out posing a danger to children.

There are those who will say "a paedophile sat at home making their own pornography is still going to be a real danger; and this pornography is stoking the fire...." Well, if you sat at home and annotated photos of women with whips I don't think you'd wake up in cells next morning having forced some poor woman into domming you!! People are People: We are biomechs that respond to stimulus, however (speaking as a seasoned porn viewer), I can say that the workings of are inner minds are a lot more complex than the idiot at the front operating them: Porn will not turn you into anything: see upcoming post for more on this discussion...

Discussing the paedophile thing makes me twitchy, especially when discussing age-play in the same thread, as the two are TOTALLY UNRELATED.

Think about it: If I play a 'nazi prison guard' in an interrogation scene, am I a nazi?
If I engage in play-rape, does that make me any more likely to engage in real rape?

You are just adding colourful fantasy to sexual conduct, the same way that happens at every every other part of BDSM. Remember: Most 'nillas have a 'school girl fantasy'!! *FILTHY BUGGERS!*

Assuming then, that Age-play is not about paedophilia, then what is it??

Age play is a mimicry of everyday situations in which there is a 'disparity in' or 'exchange of' power between two individuals resulting from a difference in age: The use of personality traits/facets of a situation, such as innocence, care, control, responsibility/irresponsibility, etc. are used to enhance sexual conduct/play.

That's it...

Sometimes it's about being naughty and irresponsible and out of order in a way you just can't be whilst maintaining the façade of an adult...

Sometimes it's about trust and caring for someone...

Sometimes it's about discipline and training...

Sometimes it's about the violation of trust and the love of the vulnerable...

But the point is that it is always with an adult pretending to be a child or adopting the mental persona of a child. It is sexual and inherently adult...

I am an age player:

I do get turned on by an adult adopting/lampooning the mindset of a child and it's relevant lack of boundaries...
I do get turned on by the bond of trust and love and it's violation for mutual sexual gratification...

I do not get turned on by children's bodies: that is just a fact that I and 99% of people share.
I do not get turned on by a child's mind: because it has no sexual element and, as previously stated, I have no attraction to a child's body...

Herein, let it be known that this is the difference between Age Players and paedophiles...

Why I'm not rubbish in bed...

2008-10-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

Thank you my Amazonian warrior princess...Don't suppose you're handy with DIY? No? Right then...

She may be small, folks, but she packs a hell of a wallop...handle with care!!!

Darker...

2008-10-09T18:24:00.001-07:00

OK, so I'm usually an upbeat guy, who's funny and always smiling...

but seriously, I have never known a time quite so dark...after the last post I've just found out that two friends at uni, whom I took a dive for in order to get them together, have just divorced after 10 years...

I've never known a time SO dark in my life...

You'd have to kill me to stop me smiling and being optimistic; but as a general appeal to the cosmos...

SORT IT 'ART!! WANKA!!

There, see, a little cockney outburst and all is better.... :)

Prayers...

2008-10-09T18:05:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in God, but today I'm praying in my heart for a good result for someone I really like and really care about...

N., all my fingers and toes are crossed for you. I'm really glad we met that day and I hope we'll be friends for a long time to come....

Peace and love...

Jim

Hated

2008-10-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

I read an interesting article on http://sm-feminist.blogspot.com/ which is an awsome blog...

http://trinityva.livejournal.com/689378.html

The above is written by Biting Beaver, a RadFem of some note, and really it was the straw that broke the camels back. I realise now that there are those out there who genuinely hate me for my gender: How, I ask myself, am I supposed to respond?

I have had some recent encounters with misandary:

Ve met a long term correspondant and corsetry fan who upon recognising her looked at me and said "WHAT? Your with a *MAN* now?" and,
Having 'marched for those who couldn't was met by someone who attempted to impress Ve by saying "Yeah, I remember you...I don't remember *YOU*!"

- starred words come with the tone of you are a piece of worthless shit! Thanks, classy...

In translation this amounts to nothing more than 'Hey honey, why don't you come home with a REAL MAN!' aimed in my general direction - yes bigots are all retarded knuckle draggers, but given their political presence in the feminist movement I would like to ask feminists the following question:

Are you seeking equality or are you seeking to become that which you so clearly dispise...
Why do you spend years 'deconstructing gender' only to hastily reconstruct it and attempt to shove it up my arse without even exchanging a word with me...
Why should I treat a RadFem any different than a racist ?

My father was a drunken bully who made my mothers life hell with his irresponsibilty and sexism: my mother was the one who saved us all...I was a feminist before I was aware of most masculine politcs. Feminism holds a critical place in this world and I happily back it to the hilt - misandary has none and I for one will not tolerate it...

Ve seems bored - she is a big sexist. If this was about women she'd be all over it, but she's ignoring me and patting me on the head metaphorically...she's such a man! ;)

A conversation not designed for bendy buses

2008-10-08T19:02:00.000-07:00

I have to confess to having the oddest conversation of my life last week with a fetish model friend of ours...

As you all know I am into WAM (Wet and Messy Sex - like, food and gunge, etc...). It's a fetish I find very hard to take seriously. It's hot when it's humiliating (google kowalski brothers and see)...trouble is that when juxtaposed with BDSM it just becomes hysterical! I did it once with an ex and it was humiliating for a few seconds, then laughter kicks in and it all goes down hill from there.

Everybody I know who is into it is comedy too. People who pick tie*edited out*tied as a username on IC, but can't actually do any bondage: The kind of person who, when asked by a wonderfully pretentious idiot for a sloe gin and tonic, replies without hesitation 'that might take a while...'. Last time there was a munch for the members of umd.net the diagnosis of two pissed Aussies (as to who the hell we were and what was going on) was that we were a 'Father and Son golfing tournament afterparty' and so far the fathers were pulling all the sons girlfriends - that should say it all. As an aside, and while I remember, please go on the forums of splosh.net and find all posts by username Stonecastle...it is worth a look! Hopefully the sexist PUA (Pick Up Artist) wanker will be actually covered in real cow shit! Which will be funnier as he will undoubtedly christen himself king of Splosh fetish and not get the in joke! :)

Anyway, back to the topic - it was suprising to actually get into a conversation about it with someone young and fit and funny (Ve aside...). We talked at first a little about the standard stuff, custard, etc... but then it was humerous as hell as I started to get more and more turned on...Ve gladly pointed this out to her...I'm sure she knew, but it wasn't like I was being turned on in the normal way...I was aroused mentally but more embarrassed (because it's weird talking about something that turns you on with a 19 y o friend!). Then we pushed the conversation further and people around us began to hear...I'm not a fan of non-consensual involvement (even though S and I have played 'clear the bus' on numerous occasions - I find it amazing how people will sit rigid next to a drunk and just ignore them, but will flee at the mention of the words 'fetish' and 'fisting') but the subject matter was harmless and not neccesarily sexual. Then Ve began to get embarrased and we pushed it further discussing, cake trampling and treacle in hair...finally, my conversational partner hands me a mobile phone with the words: 'could I shove chocolate cake up my arse and shit it out over a guy' - my little heart stood still and then I laughed 'REALLY HARD'...I love the world of BDSM - nowhere else could you have such a brilliant discussion and nowhere else could you learn the true meaning of ambivolent!

*cut to scene where Jim relates to his vanilla brother what was in the text message whilst brother has a mouth full of beer: And I thought I laughed hard!*

Why everything is fucked...(not an emo post!)

2008-09-20T08:29:00.000-07:00

Yeah, everything is in flux at the moment...

I've started to see big gaping holes in sexuality (not as lucky as I sound!).

1)Porn is fucked:
I'm beginning to notice that I get off on the act and actually rarely watch the sex itself. This is not a crime, it just means that when I'm in bed with someone my impulses towards sex aren't so strong. I'm apparently *pretty fucking good in bed* (with Ve's first squirting as testimony), I know it'd be a lot easier for me and hotter too if I could re-eroticize sex. I think I've missed being given a framework to consider sex in and this has left me a little autistic towards it.

2)BDSM is fucked:
The traditional model (in vanilla) of the dominant magnanimous strong silent male has always been complete bullshit, and I rejected it from the moment I saw it; but the same is happening in BDSM now too.

The idea of the BDSM male dominant seems very characterless (see fetish nation stuff, etc) The man is rarely focussed on, wears all black street clothes; says really stereotypical things - there is no interpersonal connection and they seem to be as lost as I do - 'idiot experts' (like idiot savants). Again, perhaps it's the deeds and not the interaction that's supposed to be hot there, and so it's probably not a good place to derive knowledge. (I don't think this porn is really designed for women, either... the world is full of exploiters telling and showing men what they want to see as being 'what you need to do to 'be masterfull' and 'be a winner'' - for when you are without vulnerability, that is obviously when women are drawn to you like sex crazed zombies!)

3) The scene and general BDSM sexuality is fucked:
There's no variety in sexuality on the scene either...where are all the LGBT BDSMers? I know there are loads of them (I'd guess at least 30% of the BDSM community in London must be LGBT). I identify as being mainly straight at the moment. Having said that, I'm finding that as I open my mind and remove certain bullshit rules, different things are becoming appealing to watch. I had a thing recently for watching transexual men and women engaging in watersports. I enjoyed watching Buck Angel at TG too. In general, I want a more mixed atmosphere. It seems like there's an unnecessary divide there, and learning and watching as many types of sexualities play just makes you better at what you are doing.

4)I'm fucked:
I confess I'm missing my own sexuality slightly - I know I have a lot of fun (certainly more than I'm entitled to), but I feel like a BDSMer who's in a vanilla relationship with amazing sex. You love what you have, but you still have that itch. There are opportunities to do it with some people, but I just dread the bit where I enjoy myself and they turn around and say "yeah thanks, never again..." - which I understand completely, but just don't want to hear atm. I get that I could do it as an element of Dominance, but it is something which works best when you have 2 people who are into it...

5) I'm still fucked...

As far as sploshing goes, early discussions leave me scratching my head as to the fact that Ve can't get it through her head that you're not supposed to eat it!! lol!

The Invitation is fucked:
TheInvitation (currently being referred to as the masturbation, due to a lack of interest by the BDSM community in general) had it's first scene (here it is with music...see if you can spot Ve!)

On the upside, I am learning dominance at the moment. I have a love/hate thing with dominance...I'm an awesome top, but the dominance thing just gets me...it seems like something I just can't get my head around. I can do it, but I need to make it hot for me - I'm a very immediate person, I don't like build up if I'm doing the work... blah, can't put it into words - I need to make it my own, I guess, rather than just copying...

Poly is going ok, although I'm missing seeing people - then again, I have no money apu, so I'm trying to get real life sorted. There are certain people I need to see soon, who I'm really missing...

I have also noticed that I'm having lots of socio-normative thoughts regarding lifestyle monogamy, etc. It's like when you withdraw from cigarettes; you have these bizarre thoughts which are completely illogical and draw you to smoke when you don't want to, and you have to be quick to pick them up and challenge them with logic... It's weird how much you are conditioned by society into being a non-free thinking entity...but I've never conformed in the past, so why start now...

In case of fairytale characters...

2008-09-02T07:10:00.000-07:00

:)

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/p/NaughtyJim

Better...??

Mummy!!!!!!!

2008-08-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

Post Sweden we were still having a ball - that mummification tape is awesome (see the guy at LAM for more!) especially when it's followed by the sound of a carving knife being sharpened!

So your 'starter for 10' is;

'Is it the knife or the steel that I'm tracing lightly over your hyperventilating body?!'

PICS!!

It was so good we switched...
I'm still a wimp...!

The Land of the Ve, and the home of the 'Natural Dom'

2008-08-24T13:13:00.000-07:00

Well, things began with my plane being delayed by 4 hours - yes, they slipped THAT into conversation with the smooth and practiced bedside manner of a large fingered proctologist!!

I spent a good few hours sat in Gatwick getting calls from a pissed and exstatic Ve, who was busily endulging her fantasies with random women whilst telling me about it. *sigh* I ventured a few thrilling stories concerning the prowess of the floor polisher, but she didn't seem interested - and for that matter, nor did I!

After a long journey I arrived finally at 6am local time - time enough to get 2hrs sleep before we had to go to get tickets for decadance. To anybody non-swedish, if you're going to Decadance or any commercial party in Sweden, you have to get a ticket and then validate it at the website and then show up and present the ticket as normal - weird system, but that's Swedish licensing laws for you... During our trip to the shop that sold them, it started to rain - this would be the familiar mode of weather for the rest of the trip, with only 3 rain free days in 1.5 weeks. But I'm from Manchester: Rain doesn't scare me!!!

We made our way to Pride Park - it was VERY wet by now and there were a hell of a lot of people there...

We were 'marching for those who can't', which is marching for those in repressive regimes such as Iran, etc... As you can see from the photos, we wore masking tape over our mouths to illustrate this point: comedy moment when parade moves off whilst we're still getting ready, Ve grabs some tape and puts it over her mouth, then tries to ask the organiser for some for me...sometimes you just gotta laugh... The march was long, but despite the rain police estimates say that there were 500,000 spectators! If you see the crowd shot at Hornesgarten you will see how impressive this was - it was like entering Rome...it moved Ve to tears, and I understood why. I enjoyed every minute of it...

The parade is just the culmination of a week or so of events, some of which I've borrowed photos from Ve to show you - the party ones are INCREDIBLE, but I can't put them up as I don't have the permission of those in the photos...If you missed it, you missed a trick...Gay people know how to party: they're HOT!

Home for some more sleep and then off to Dekandance!

It's like TG really, There's a room with a dancefloor a pole and a stage at which Breathless performed a fashion show. Then there's a long curved room where people socialise and then a smallish dungeon and a smoking area at the end - so yeah, TG at Mass basically. I think it's good fun - especially as there are pre-parties. The language barrier does make it difficult in terms of trying to get to play with others and their ideas on BDSM are quite interesting: there's still an old guard there and some real bullshit - enter the 'natural Dom!' (For any of you interested in this garbage there's a culture in Sweden that some people are 'BORN DOMINANTS' and they describe themselves as Natural Doms - read: fat, old, poorly dressed, dull wankers...honestly, leather waistcoat and trainers...it's embarrassing!) In Dekadance they turn up more in attitude than poor dress - wait till we get to the 'trailer park party' later! There were some lovely people there too however, and that saved the night.

Stoopid alcohol rule number 2, after a certain time you can only buy beer, not spirits!

I'm sure it breathless' fashion show was lovely, but I was busy being BAD! Ve and I have started playing harder recently and with a dungeon all to ourselves it would be rude not to... I pushed her around hard, I whipped her harder than before cracking the whip mercilessly across her: I flogged her, slapped her; teased and tormented her...a crowd gathered...some 15 year olds who'd blagged there way in by hiding behind a 'Natural Dom', winced as the whip cracked across her back - one even looked at me with that 'Mate, That's your missus!!' look...lol. When Ve's delirium reached the point that she was barely able to speak I decided to call a halt - but Jesus, that was good! Ve protested that she wanted to take more of the whip so I obliged and within three strokes she fell to the floor in a heap... (Note to self: Do not listen to greedy sub - in some cases you do know their body better than they do..."I R Natural D...", no wait, that's not a good path to go down!). Deka was very social - I wished we'd played more but as I said the language gap made it hard for me. I think it's the fact that the nuances are missing that make it tricky; the Swedes are all very good at English. I will be going back there if I can...

The following night was the 'combustion' party, which is the 'end of pride' party for those who were working...When I first turned up it was full and lively. I met some friends of Ve's and met an Englishman (trans woman) called Rory, who was great and has offered to help with my book. We chatted a lot rather than drinking as it costs SO much to get a drink. He very kindly explained about the 'Anti-Trans' moment at London Pride and particularly explained about the current unease between Stonewall and the Trans community, including a little history lesson on the Stonewall riots and the creation of the English Stonewall movement. Upon going back upstairs to recover our partners I was confronted with the most amazing party of all time...I'd never seen so many people in that state of undress before - you were literally body to body with no way of squeezing through politely. I forced my way to the window where I could see a Ve partying hard and snogging a young lady I recognised. I got up onto the window and danced with them - it was that hot I had to take my top off - no one vomited, so I carried on dancing! I had fun being felt up by Ve and TinnedTomato (TT) but then she departed. The atmosphere was so much fun that it set in motion an idea in my brain...I'd never had sex with a man; maybe now was the time to change all that...

I saw three fit guys dancing in the window and thought what the fuck...one of them grabbed me and we kissed. I learnt a lot about men in the next 15 mins:

1) They should check their breath before kissing anyone - although the kiss was pleasurable it did taste like I'd just scrubbed my throat with a loo brush
2) They're devious in a way that can only be described as 'dull and transparent.'

When we came to the point he tried to put his finger in my ass I stopped him as he decided that because he couldn't enter lubeless he'd use his nail to gain access. I said "listen, it's my first time", he said "I can't hear you, let's just make out, yeah...then tried to put his hand down the front of my trousers... It did make me laugh.He kept pushing me seductively against a wall (ignoring the light fitting in my back) even when I clearly didn't want to...fortunately for me, I'm quite strong and so had no trouble picking 'scrappy doo' up by the arms and 'assisting him' in making the correct choice on how to proceed. It was all so typically male! *grins*

I enjoyed the kiss, but I admit I was scared really of upsetting him and of going further - I wasn't turned on and didn't feel that sexy by the end. It's not the end of my experimentation, but I think a different circumstance is in order...still, AMAZING party though and I did get papped by a fag hag!

We left the party and sat outside - unlike most our accommodation was literally around the corner and there was a bit of time to kill meeting the revellers as they left...
I did get my second bit of man hate -

"Oh hi, I remember you from marching for those who can't!"
"Hi, yeah, he was there too..."
"I don't remember him, only you..."
"Is that supposed to be a compliment or something?"

Still it was better than the "Oh it's you! And you're with a MAN now!

I always wonder why people can't be happy that other people are happy...?
Why deconstruct gender, just to nail someone by it...?

I find it amazing how people get so caught up in the social norming and the theory that they forget why all these great libertarian movements were started in the first place - to bring happiness and equality to all people.

Anyway, Ve and I spent a great few days meeting friends and family and just generally enjoying Sweden before the final event of the tour...the traile rpark party! *cue jaws music*

You catch the LusseBusse (lust bus) to an event run by a self proclaimed 'Natural Dom' - there would be blowjob competitions and all sorts! When we explained where we were going to our friends, a look of *you are going into deliverance territory* crossed their faces - they weren't wrong! As we hove through the trees with many natural doms hitting on Ve in that rubbish way they do, we saw fetishists in winnebegos [Fuck Snakes on a Plane, there's a much better movie here]! I started to laugh... We survived the cue with a pissed middle-aged female sub who swore her Natural Dom had drugged her and started swinging wildly at him. The house was BIG and it was like all your worst nightmare fetish people had all turned up! Chavs turned up to gang-bang a 60 year old; a fucking machine with a porous dildo was being used - you get the picture...

We did meet the guy who has made the Swedish Fetish photobook - he was a cool. Ve objectified us with the phrase "MEN! Wait there, I'm off to get a 'non-sexual sausage from the BBQ." When she came back we offered her some 'non-sexual nuts from the buffet!'We also met a couple who'd never played in public before and that was really nice and funny at the same time - She floated away as the crowd watched her: He thought, "SHIT! There's a crowd!!!" Lol, welcome to Domming, mate... :)

We were the first ones back for the bus to leave. What can I say, I appreciate someone opening their house up like that and was really trying, but really too many heterosexisitic natural Doms and predatory wanky men - I felt it could have been a good party, hopefully it will evolve with time...

This writing malarchy...

2008-07-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

Well!!!!!! 4702 words in and it's hard. 4702 words sounds easy but there is no waffle in what I've written and I've edited it loads. It's weird how you have to edit it not only for the paragraph content but then for the chapter content and then in terms of how it fits into the book - I guess the key is to splurt it all out and then refine, refine, refine. I've never written like this before but I am absolutely driven to make this amazing.

I have, however, run it past someone who I'm pretty in awe of (and who is very well known on the London scene) and he has been awesomely supportive. With any luck I'm going to be able to convince him to contribute to the book, which would be wonderful! There's even the chance that I could launch my book with his new DVD and that would be amazing, but that's only a maybe atm...

He certainly was brilliant at reviewing my work - it seemed like a merciless thrashing but I know he can do a lot worse...

I'm missing company a lot atm (that's not a request, just a fact) although my house band has just undertaken 'Take a look around' by Limp Bizkit, which has brightened my day. This means that all I have to do is play bass like a pro and sing like Brian Moloko, Fred Durst, James Hetfield, Eddie Vedder, Layne Staley (Alice in Chains), Billy Joe Armstrong, J Mascis (Dinosaur Jr) and Dave Mustaine (Megadeth) - piece of cake, really! :)

Looking forward to going to Sweden on Friday: Ve's mum is finally attending Pride, which has given Ve no end of happiness. Ve spent last night thrashing the hell out of some woman who apparently loved it - I love when switch girls get that 'red veil blood lust fever' thing, it's brilliant...

Hey ho, another day, another dollar...

Writing a book...

2008-07-25T06:26:00.000-07:00

is a lot harder than it looks...

I'd like you all to pray for a temporary stat increase in the field of 'verbal articulation'!

Death by Ice-cream...

2008-07-17T06:13:00.000-07:00

I went to watch Kung Fu Panda with someone special...(S)

I felt like I had a lot in common with the Panda in general...

Then we had ice cream in an ice cream bar around Leicester Sq....you know, the ones that do 'woman sized' ice creams...

Then I had a lot more in common with the Panda! I was making involuntary noises and felt like I was crystallising internally! Running for the tube doors I'm sure I heard my internal 'Scottie' calling the bridge!!!

Despite this obvious attempt to kill me by my devious, conspiratorial and otherwise gorgeous sub, I reached an important point somewhere between Panda and death...

I trust her.

We've talked a lot over the last two days with an honesty which has been long awaited; I have told her how I felt a few times and braced myself for rejection, but it hasn't been forthcoming. I appreciate that my feelings have run ahead of the curve here, and that's fine...I just needed to know that they would be respected. :)

Today I am at peace with the world... thank you. x.

Blades and edges...

2008-07-16T02:21:00.000-07:00

A certain someone has a fear...

We're dealing with it. :) As I mummified her body and head in black plastic (with nose free and heat escape routes on top of head- H&S geeks!) it became increasingly difficult for her to move at all. Some things build and some things just sit there in the mind - a single uncomfortable realisation of paralysis and helplessness. I picked her body up from the standing position and put it on the bed...

There was muffled screaming through the plastic as I caned her thighs, breast and stomach. I ran the double electric pinwheel over her breasts (disconnected, obviously...but no one told her that!! :) ). The spikes 'popped' through the plastic in the same way as they would through skin - an association I was keen to make. All this is foreplay to the main event, which came with a question...

"How am I going to get you out of this stuff then?"
There was just enough tone in the voice to penetrate the floating and grab her attention...why that tone?
"How am I going to remove this plastic?"
Her heart rate rises now as she struggles for words - realisation is dawning as the tone becomes more purposeful...it is the carrier signal for a message of fear and stomach turning betrayal...
"I have one, here..." The villain of the peace is introduced in the arena of the mind...
My voice has taken on a pleading tone now...
"There is no other way for me to get (cut) you out..." I joyfully, with an air of mock concern, appeal to the logic that only the knife can free her...all I need is her consent to use it...I leverage her consent.

I draw the edge of a leather paddle over her body as the fear is reaching fever pitch - I rip the tape from her eyes split seconds before she safewords...I show her the paddle and smile a loving smile.

The smile eventually fades - I want to feel her fear me; I want to bask in it's radiant glory...
And lo a more serious tone is taken...I pick up the EMT shears...her panic rises again...

"May I?" I ask in a rhetorical tone...
The shears slide between her breasts and ever downwards...visibly cutting...she shakes and whimpers all the way down. :)

For the rest of the evening I pushed the envelope with her, I humiliated; she bratted; I rubbed her face in the mess she had made. I bratted back - bigger, harder and nastier. I've never ordered someone to suck my cock with such a dismissive domineering tone - she was there for my amusement, she had a job she is expected to do and she wasn't doing it...I bullied her, controlled her with my voice: Mostly in life I am nice; but sometimes I am scary and dangerous in a very real way - that was the blade, this is the edge...

Pride and the flying Ve!

2008-07-09T12:09:00.000-07:00

On Sunday I was able to do something I've wanted to do for a long time and now had an even better reason to do it! I took part in London (Gay) Pride 2008 March! It was fantastic...

To me, it was a chance to celebrate freedom in a world full of endless rules, oppressions and bureaucracy...It was also a chance to learn a lot; meet loads of cool new people; wave at crowds and celebrate the sexuality of someone very close to me. I love Ve and everything about her because she is everything I am not and I guess she breathes life into my otherwise very English, very stilted world! And BOI did she celebrate!!! (Sorry! lol!)

We turned up early, got a big flag which she waved frantically until she realised it wasn't attached and had to go chasing it down the street! She bounced around for the whole of the parade shouting and whistling and going crazy (and occasionally stealing cheeky kisses from girls in the crowd)!

Meanwhile, I understood, in my rather drab dress, surrounded by beautiful semi naked African dancing hunks, how my father must feel at a disco...but 'fuck it' I thought, and whistled some more!!! Particularly I tried to get a reaction from the crowd...It struck me about 60%+ of the crowd were gay, which puzzled me as they were standing, not marching?! Anyhow, I got to one corner and really 'gave it beans!' - nothing! Later Ve informed me that that was the 'Jesus will save you' corner - they should buy some banners, or something - actually, no - they should have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up!

I was impressed with the people I met too - I admit here and now that Trans people have always unnerved me - but I've always pushed past that fear in order to get to know them - they are actually mostly great people. What harm would it do to let them just be themselves? They walked up and down the street and the world didn't end; An overly aroused Godzilla didn't come up the Thames in a tutu (Shame really, I'd have loved to have heard TFLs excuse for that one - wrong type of gender queer monster on the track?!)...would have made 7/7 look like the 4th July!

Actually the Trans people were cool; seems stonewall don't want to know about them, though- wtf?! Why be such a fantastic , heroic organisation, then behave like the people you had to overcome in the first place in regards to someone else's need to be themselves: Just because it doesn't fit your model? Why not be a hero to all?

As for me, well, I'm coping with the desperate fear that I might be straight ;) but am still refusing to classify myself - I'll see if the urge takes me, and if it does, well... :)

All about S...

2008-07-09T10:53:00.000-07:00

Right! All that goth shit out of the way, let's talk about someone who deserves a big mention, as she rocks my world!!

I met S about a month and a half ago. Since then we've met a few times and played three times. I like her a lot! More importantly, I like her as a person. We have a lot in common - we're both Northern, with posh accents that slip the more gin we drink and/or the more indignant we get. More interesting though is that she has new and interesting things to talk about and show me... I'm big into new and fascinating things. (as well as vocabulary, which is at present on missing, presumed dead!)

Play wise; I just don't know what to do first...there's so much and always so little time, coupled with the fact that I just enjoy 'being with her'...*anyone else seeing the 'L' word making an ugly and ill timed appearance here? Well yes and no; I can see the start of something cool, but it takes a lot more time and trust before I allow it to form in any meaningful way, see previous post for reasons of cautiousness...*

I loved her views on submission a lot and she loved mine. The idea that you actually hand over control to someone else and that it's not all about your pleasure...

I'm noticing, although I find it hard, that as a Dom it's easy to get pushed into the roll of 'sex aid!' To make the role work well you have to push back, and it's no mean feat as good subs push HARD!

It has been through this relationship that I have discovered the need for D/s and it has now become my life quest to:

Talk more during Doming
Actually have a session where I pick up no toys whatsoever!
Just do many, many more bad things to her!

I'm sure I've made this clear to her on many occasions and I'm clearly not going to turn into a dribbling idiot (*I know...shut up!*) but I've never met anyone quite like her - she is unique and belongs in a hall of fame for fantastically sexy and amazing northerners!

Update: Perhaps not the 'L' word, more the 'I' word (Infatuation) I think...and it's getting stonger... :)

Damage...

2008-07-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when life was so simple...

I wore my heart on my sleeve and was completely unafraid of the damage people could do to me...it just rolled off me, because I was me and I was great. So why's that not happening so much anymore...

I think my last relationship has damaged me. I really took it to the limit with that one. I had the gun aimed at me because I didn't have a job and in short I was told I had to give up my dream of running my own business because it was impacting on our lifestyle...

Let's set the record straight then: when I first met this person I thought they were going to die, and yet I still went out with them. I dealt with all the challenges, like the sleep disorder, etc whilst being that person's 24hr carer and performing every household task as well. I became that person's slave in essence - Interesting how, in many ways, a Dom is actually servile to a sub...

When we broke she told me that she had 'watched the man she love deteriorate'...and that I had to prove that I could earn a wage...

We split

2 months later I billed my first £5k...

Being me is hard - I am the tough, all or nothing option: I am crippled by debt; I am alone and work SO hard and never get a break and I think that it is this stress and strain that is causing me to be so less resilient and so much a shadow of who I really am...

Today I got the all clear over a cancer scare - whilst I realised that I may be in trouble, I didn't really care and I feel no better.

My main fear, however, is that I may be too fragile to handle those people that I should, properly. Indeed if you read the next post, I finally get to talk about someone I really care about and have not handled as well as I might...

Poly wants many crackers...

2008-06-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

A while ago I had a friend who got into a poly relationship (long distance) with a Dom from the north of England. At the time I remember saying that Poly was a nice idea but usually it was an excuse for one guy to pay half as much attention to two women as they deserved. I didn't like poly - to me that relationship was based on the underlying falsehood that both parties could cope satisfactorily with a long distance relationship.

For what it's worth I myself have spent about 10 years in monogamous relationships and about 7 of those have been at distance - I have the perfect right to say "Long Distance Relationships are shit; they mostly don't work and they waste people's lives and fuck up their happiness - they come from the all evil idea of 'the one!'

The same person became involved with a well known London Dom who stated that their relationship would be based on love; but not in the traditional sense of the word: he would teach her what it is like to be 'cherished.' To me the underlying lie here is that he didn't want to be monogamous with her as he was older; bi and promiscuous.

The woman listed above is a very trusting, but not stupid person - I think she got a rough deal...

Imagine my dismay when I woke up one morning and asked myself what I wanted out of life...and the answer came back 'poly!'

It scares me: I don't want to fuck people up - nor am I a fool. Society has been wrong in front of my eyes a thousand times: I have seen so many marriages fail and so many miserable trapped people feel terrible because I don't think Human beings were ever designed to be together for more than the time it takes to raise offspring to adulthood. In about 10 years you get fed up with the other person, no matter how close you are. I loved my ex of 7 years to death but when we broke up and I look back I think, wtf...thank god for impatience.

I don't believe in the sacred union of marriage (as I don't believe that god would give a toss...), I want to enjoy the love and care of as many people as possible, so I have begun.

I have started my first poly relationship with a queer Swedish girl called Ve. She is lovely, 21 and full of life. It was very scary at first: I explained to her that because of the age difference; because she would only marry a woman, and; because she doesn't want to have children (ever!), that the future is finite for us. This is not me being callous, it's me being honest - we both chose this because the alternative is that we never get to experience each other's love or each other's light in our lives because of an unreliable, unwarranted and unwelcome definition created by an anonymous and irrelevant author. As a point of note the relationship is true poly; she will see other people too...I insisted on that!

We talked again yesterday and it seems to remain the same: we are happy, if nervous with our relationship. Hetero-normative thoughts abound, but we're holding strong.

We launched into a new era too last night when we decided that we would post an IC profile as a couple. The idea being that we take fem subs and expand Ve's knowledge of Domming, eg. bondage, impact play, D/s, etc. And for all those of you thinking that the dirty old man has convinced the gullible 21 y.o. into a threesome, (a) we've had one - one girl fell asleep on my arm and sent it numb and the other just dribbled down my sleeve (you'd think two hot swedish chicks would be better, but then you add lots of vodka to that equation and it somewhat writes it off! :) ), and (b)you should see who I've managed to pimp Ve out to at Club Subversion over the last few months:

www.meestereslucrezia.com
www.mistressnicollette.com

(both of whom are lovely people who look about 200 times hotter in real life than they do on their websites, I just noticed!)

she's been a very lucky little girl! (And I've not enjoyed watching...not one little bit!)

An explanation

2008-06-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

The previous posts are taken from my Alt blog and I consider them relevant to this blog: The real blogging starts now... :)

An epiphany

2008-06-18T07:52:00.000-07:00

Update: An Epiphany

Yesterday I had an epiphany! After 3 years I realise who I want to meet: I want to meet a submissive. (as opposed to a bottom...)

This part could easily make me seem like an arsehole. I'm not; I just want to give people a clue about what I'm looking for....

What I think of as submissive comes not from a point of preaching Domly ignorance, but by the way that I have submitted to others in the past:

If I was to submit to you

(1) I would ensure that you were an intelligent, respectful and emotionally capable human being.

(2) Then I would state my hard limits:

"...that I will do nothing that will cause me lasting physical damage or harm; disfigure me or endanger my long term physical or mental health."

(3) Beyond that, I am yours...

I will not give you a list of demands: I will expect nothing of you. I will communicate with you to improve the experience for our mutual benefit. I would suffer and endure whatever you wished, because that is your will and the physical manifestation of my submission. I would be at least as interested in your pleasure as I am in my own and would always aim to blow your mind (because that's exactly how I operate as a Dom)!

BDSM is a 'seduction' (people seem to miss that!): The thrill of submitting is being under someone else's control - which means you have to give up at least part of yours. It's meant to be fun: I would aim to impress and surrender, not fortify and control.

In paraphrase; I already get fantastic levels of play from my play partners but what I'm looking for someone who is more experienced and comfortable with their submission and is adventurous with it...

PS I know I've had one before and that's why I want one again! I'm a Dom, I can be greedy!

Top tip of the week...

2008-06-18T07:46:00.001-07:00

Just a quick one to say...

VOLUME IS NOT EQUAL TO DOMINANCE!

Quiet people are usually dominant. We're quiet because we have a brain and are quite comfortable with ourselves. We don't feel that social urge to placate you by responding promptly to your conversational gambit. We let you put on your 'shows' and 'fronts' whilst we work you out. Until our response comes, you have no power in that situation...

Submissive people, especially men, are often loud and (seemingly) confident...This is because they are trying to provoke a response out of you so that they can begin to quickly analyse you to make a decision based on your responses that will ensure their social safety...they chat until they get social acceptance from the majority of the group.

TO RECAP: DOMs often quiet; SUBs often loud...

And no, numbnuts... I'm not gay either!! - FemDoms; gotta love 'em!

Yes I am over generalising but quiet != submissive

POSTSCRIPT: I later became friends with said FemDom and you know, beyond the bravado and bullshit, she's actually ok - I rather like her and she isn't half as stupid as her comments made her out to be!

A Dirty Little Secret

2008-06-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

I had a fantasy a while ago that's quite bad and wrong (because it's about two of my best friends) - but a lot of fun, so I thought I'd share!!

I was staying with a married couple who are friends of mine. They are both mid to late 20s, tall and slim with black wavy hair; he is Indian but speaks with a very British accent. I was talking late night with the girl as the guy had gone to bed. (men, huh?! No stamina...) They know about me (to a degree) and we chatted and it came out (as if it needed pointing out) that they are both submissive by nature although I get the feeling that whilst they have fun, it's probably not that adventurous.

I had a number of knee jerk reactions including my higher conscience trying to mentally save them from the Dom side of me on the basis that they were friends and that I couldn't possibly do that sort of thing to them...

...that was short lived: I began to daydream about what would I do if I had control...

In my daydream both Myself and my girlfriend Kasha (a 'cyber-gothy chick'{and fictional character, I should add}) called around to stay over at their house. After dinner Kasha (who subs to me but is naturally dominant) begins to get her claws into 'Jess' flirting with her in a way which could only spell trouble. She began to ask Jess what Paul was like in bed (vainly using alcohol to hide the what she was up to). Together the two girls giggled and chatted, although Jess always looked slightly uncomfortable. I consigned myself to chatting with Paul about web design, etc. The louder they got, the more fed up I became and asking them to be quiet didn't seem to work as they were both showing off to each other by 'hen-pecking' their boyfriends when we asked to keep it down a bit...

Kasha struck for my face with a dismissive backhand...my right hand caught the blow; my left took her throat...neither my gaze or my facial expression changed from looking straight ahead...there was the faint hissing of air as Kasha struggled to breath...I released my grip and rose to my feet.

"Seeing as you are so keen to find out what Paul is like in bed perhaps we should find out!" I said.

Jess protested but Kasha admonished her. "You said you wanted to be controlled...now we're here and my boyfriend has clearly made you VERY wet...I don't think that you have a choice."

"And as for you, Paul...I gather that you would enjoy pain - but have never really gotten the chance to experience it..." Kasha's voice is now that silky smooth seductive voice that I use to get my own way all too often. "...I promise you that we will make you our pets and our servants...but we will take you to heaven when you give us your souls!" She grins and stares deeply into Paul's eyes.

As I take a seat Paul is the first to kneel under the gentle pressure from Kasha. "PAUL!!..." Jess protests. I relax into the corner couch and address the group.

"Your man is down, Jess...you should go with him - 'til death do us part, remember!"

"But I don't..."
"That's the trouble though Jess...you do!"

Reluctantly and with a shamed blush across her face she sank to her knees and looked at the floor.

We had actually visited not just to see them but also to visit Club Orgasm (nice name!) and so fortunately had a full toy bag with us. There was a hanging silence then I ordered everyone to their feet. I caught Jess' eye for a second and smiling handed her a rope. I ordered Paul and Kasha to stand opposite each other and look into each others gaze - I instructed Jess to do as I did and together we prepared our partners, slowly and sensually removing their clothes. I make Kasha sit on the table and frog tie her legs and bind her left arm and right upper arm to her body.

"You know I'm making you prepare your husband for sex, don't you...??" I ask Jess
"Yes"
"And how does that make you feel"
"Confused..."
"Well the truth is that from here on in Paul cannot do anything of his own volition." I produce an e-stim kit from the bag behind me. "Tell your husband that if he as much as moves he will be shocked and the pleasantries will cease...now put this in his ass"

Jess complies with my request but still looks confused. Paul yelps a little but he rises somewhat which confirms to me that his head is where I think it's at...

"I want YOU to fuck my girlfriend" I say to Jess
"But I'm not gay - I couldn't, I..."
"Yes and that is why you are going to use Paul to do it. He cannot move - you will have to make his cock hard; put him inside her and then use his body to fuck her HARD."
"I don't think I can make him move well enough for to make him finish..."

I stand behind her and take firm grasp of her shoulder. The sound of that first hard spank echoes across the room...she freezes like ice cold water has been poured over her.

"You WILL make him cum Jess even if you have to talk dirty to him; even if you have to take hold of her legs and fuck him from behind to make him do it."

"Now...tie his hands to the table legs so that his hands are flat on the desk when he bends..."
Jess complies and I hand her the e-stim box.

"Now test that it works..."
I hear Paul start to draw breath at an increased rate
Jess' finger hangs over the button...
I move to go around behind her again.
"NO! I won't do it to him"
She slams the box down onto the table...
*slap* she whimpers defiantly
*SLAP* she cries out and the tears start to flow
"I do have canes if this fails to persuade you..."

The room seems to grind to a halt now...I can feel Paul's pathos for his wife - I know I am transgressing a boundary but I also know that right now I don't care. She will do as I say even if I have to break her. I also know that Kasha is doing a great job of distracting him...

"I usually find it less painful to do as he says" Kasha offers to Jess as the cane strokes begin to leave their marks and a puddle of tears. Jess's fingers crawl weekly over the set finally reaching the button - one more hard strike convinces her to press!

Paul cries out...

She collapses exhausted to the floor and lands on her sore arse. She cries and I become concerned.

"Jess? You can stop any time you want to..."
"I know." She says, her answer stuns me
"then why are you crying so, little one??"
"BECAUSE I'M SO FUCKING WET!!"
She is like a child now...her nose is wet and she is dribbling a little from the crying and the stress of the caning. I dry her eyes with my finger and wipe her nose with a tissue.
"But it can't end here, little one. You must do as I've asked you not just for me but for Paul too!"
"THIS ISN'T ABOUT PAUL"
"Actually, this is all about you and Paul and nothing about us. By our transgressions we will allow you and Paul to cross that line you could not cross alone and be the people whom you wish to be."

She looks at me with a shocked expression.

"Do you think you can go back to the way you were now he knows what really gets you wet, what makes you blush and how those tears hide the darkness of your own self-destructive pleasure? Let me make you strong for your husband..."

I stand her up to her knees and bring her face on level with Paul's cock.

Louder now I speak to her like a zealot; controlling her thoughts like the conductor of a great orchestra. "For one night only, Jess, you get to be the man! And for one night you get to give Paul the fuck of his life! Fuck her as it is your desire and your curiosity; but do it for Paul as he has just stood silent for you!"

There is silence; and then it begins...

Jess's lips flung themselves around Paul's cock...her eyes closed she becomes the whore she wishes to be and leaves the lady behind. Once hard she moves him into position between Kasha's legs and penetrates her. Paul thrusts. I push the button!

"NO MOVEMENT PAUL...THAT WAS THE DEAL!"
"No, please I only..."
One hand goes over his mouth and nose cutting his air.
"My dear," I say to Kasha with a smile "perhaps you can help the hapless Paul in his quest for self control?" I remove my hand and whilst Paul is hyper-ventilating I attach the first of the nipple clamps to him. He grits his teeth and I enjoy watching Kasha's face. I attach the second and with a piece of rope in the middle: I give Kasha the reins.

"He's gone soft again, Jess...take him out and suck him until he's hard"
Jess complies and I make the point of asking what my girlfriend tastes like. Jess smiles slightly.

I retire to my chair and watch the proceedings - it is exhausting for Jess, she barely has the strength. I use a long carriage whip to convince her not to lag but as the she gets going an Idea crosses my mind. I retire to the hallway and pick up the mirror which has lain there for years.

"I have a present for both of you" I announce. Jess is now behind Paul thrusting his hips into Kasha's...

I hold up the mirror and for the first time they watch themselves fucking another woman under the control of another man. The effect is immediate and the process accelerates towards its conclusion

"You know he got hard when I beat you" I say to Jess. I see the rage and orgasm building in her eyes, fighting through the exhaustion.
"Don't you think your husband deserves some payback?"
"YES HE DOES THE FUCKING CUNT!" Jess's voice is alive with fury and passion. She reaches up and grabs tight hold of his hair...
"YOU ARE A FILTHY...
I prop the mirror up in front of them
"FUCKING"
I move around the table
Kasha pulls tight on the reins
"WHORE!"
Paul climaxes, as does Kasha; for a fraction of a second I catch Jess looking at herself in the mirror...

As if I were the only one unfrozen in time I take my final step behind her, tight close to her. One finger touches her...there. Jess climaxes.

My work here is done...I leave.

SO NOW I HAVE WEIRD FANTASIES ABOUT MY FRIENDS...AM I SICK, OR WHAT!

Nemesis II

2008-06-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

OMG Nemesis II is SOOOO good! It's typical that every time I leave one half of the country because it's dull they then go and make one of the best fetish clubs ever in a town I used to regularly go to!!

Anyway, it should definitely be on your top 10 places to go before you die (honestly, fuck the grand canyon...this is much better! Lol!)

Bring your own booze - Winner!

Equipment changes regularly - it's all hand made by people who really know what they are doing - like with St Andrew's crosses with a place to put your feet, electric winches and rachets for tilting equipment, etc. - and the best bit is that there is someone there on hand to provide advice and help you out with operating it.

Loads of space for suspension...

There are many private rooms with 'furniture' in and a DND sign...my favourite was the rack room. The rack is 3 people wide so you can lie next to your victim; the ratchets work and the rope to cuffs is long enough - AWESOME.

Seriously though NEMESIS II

1. Go there, it's great (for Londoners it's like 'Hades' and 'Sweet Torments' crossed...)

2. Thanks to everyone there, especially Ian, for making us feel so welcome...

POSTSCRIPT: NEM is unfortunately having problems with the building and are searching for new premises. They are still running events every so often - see http://www.nemesis2.co.uk/ for details...

An Interesting, if predictable question...

2008-06-18T07:14:00.000-07:00

I was watching a program on C4 called 'Sisters in Law' which was a documentary by Kim Longinotto and Florence Ayisi about a town in Cameroon where a judge and lawyer, both female, have gradually been able to make a difference. The film follows three cases: a little girl who has been physically abused by her aunt; a teenage girl who was raped by a neighbor; and a woman who brings divorce proceedings against her violently abusive husband.

All in all an excellent, if scary, documentary. In the case of the young girl beaten by her aunt, the judge described the aunt as a sadist - which immediately provoked my mind to start a comparison of the two of us. The aunt tied her wrists and ankles, put pepper all over her and beat her, leaving horrific scars. There is A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE between this woman who was described as a sadist and myself, but it made me question. Previous girlfriends have said I have a sadistic side - I say I don't really. Funnily enough it is most 'normal everyday people' who's sadism frightens me the most - I find their deep denial and burying of issues to maintain a normal appearance only results in sadism, of one sort or another, at a later date. This woman was an orphan whose husband had died - clearly extreme psychological trauma was present here...

I'm not going to 'have a goth moment' but I have questions to ask and I think it's fair I answer for myself first:

1) I had an unpleasant upbringing - my father was an alcoholic and a depressive. You never knew when he would lose his temper. Honestly, he didn't get physical all that often but living with him was psychological torture. I know that as a person I have an aversion to violence. Even if I'm better than average at it, I despise it on so many levels and abhor the thought of visiting harm on others.

There are specific events I can think of such as

scat - I wasn't allowed to go to the toilet in the infants, despite asking, and ended up having an accident. Like a typical man I tried to boot the evidence under the chair of the girl opposite in an effort to pass the blame...but to no avail. LOL! It was humiliating and my both myself and my mother were 'read the riot act' over it.

W/S - being pissed on or in the mouth was a threat regularly tended by local kids to each other in Manchester. Classy city!

WAM - I used to cry when I watched Saturday morning TV. As there was nothing good in my world as a frame of reference, someone getting gunged or hit with a pie was like watching someone being bullied by a group and humiliated. My father would laugh at me and jeer when I cried - he couldn't know the effect his behavior had on his family, but that's where I think it comes from...

2) Unless I am a rock star, multi-millionaire, chess grandmaster and aerobatics champion I will never be successful in my own eyes (or probably those of my mother LOL!). I know I am successful but I'm not where I want to go and I am the most single minded driven individual I know...

3) There is a mild pleasure and a hunger to do more but there is certainly a big safety valve on this type of behavior.

4) The best I can say is that this if you are going to carry a mental scar that making use of it in a way that brings pleasure to others commendable

5)158 from 165 - (not a brag; there's not much to brag about - unless you succeed with it it's just a number.) I think intelligence or possibly emotional intelligence is a linking factor.

So!... My questions to you guys are:

1)Where do you think you're sexuality comes from - did you (like me) have an unhappy childhood? Was there a specific event that you can link your fetishes to?

2) How happy are you with life currently? How successful do you perceive yourself to be?

3) How do you feel when being sadistic/masochistic?

4) Can you think of any positive psychology behind BDSM?

5) What's your IQ? Do you think fetishism and intelligence are linked(if not intelligence then what do you think are/is the linking factor(s)?

6) Is there any question I have not asked that you would like to answer in relation to the question posed?

NB. I appreciate that most will not be as open as myself but brief details like '1) Yes' will do...

POSTSCRIPT: As an adendum to this post, which was written a while ago, I now don't consider that BDSM behaviour comes as a direct result of exposure to negative stimuli... it's the smoking gun that's too easy to pick up and with more exploration of other people's beginning you find that it's really got little to do with it...all in all it's a very 'freudian answer' - and he was a fuckwit of GIGANTIC proportions!!

I'm the kind of guy that...

2008-06-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

1) loves to play sports, not to watch them.
2) upon seeing something new or strange becomes like a cat with a new toy - I HAVE to try it out and play with it.
3) was given a life less ordinary - and is VERY happy about it!
4) has his own ideas on morality - I think that you can follow every piece of moral parable rammed down your throat on TV and still be miles from the truth.

I am a kind, honest guy with no front to me...and that is how, I think, I managed to gain so many wonderful playpartners and friends. :)

I've spent a while on the London fetish scene (about 3 years) and very quickly got myself involved with some great people who introduced me to 'The Gate' - a FANTASTIC club in Kentish Town, London.

It's all a bit weird for me as I'm not actually into BDSM *SHOCK, GASP HORROR!* - I was born a pervert and was practicing my fetishes long before puberty...

My 3 STOOPID Fetishes:

1. Scat
2. Watersports
3. Sploshing - yeah, like custard pies and gunge - even I'm '...like, wtf?!!!'

Weird, yeah ? Totally! I'm not the kind of guy that should be this pervy or this sexually driven. I mean, (and please note my total and genuine respect for other people's beliefs) if I didn't think Christianity was such a crock I'd undoubtedly be a priest by now - it was my first career choice!!

It's funny, I once handed a gf over to Alex Cobra for a good whipping - I know what that did for her, but for me I may as well have just sent them both off to get a coffee!! I rarely see the sexuality of it because it's not my fantasy; much like you guys would feel nothing if you watched Holly Willoughby getting gunged, where I get an enormous boner!

So what do I get out of a BDSM relationship - the answer is simple (ish).

1. I love giving pleasure to someone.
2. I love to exercise my creativity; and,
3. I enjoy the power, it gives me a little rush...
4. I get to go on FANTASTICALLY HOT ADVENTURES with brilliant, attractive women on a level which most can only imagine...

As I said, I don't believe in God I spend a fair amount of time thanking him for how lucky I am...

I know, I'll tell you about it!!! ;)