Why everything is fucked...(not an emo post!)

Yeah, everything is in flux at the moment...

I've started to see big gaping holes in sexuality (not as lucky as I sound!).

1)Porn is fucked:
I'm beginning to notice that I get off on the act and actually rarely watch the sex itself. This is not a crime, it just means that when I'm in bed with someone my impulses towards sex aren't so strong. I'm apparently *pretty fucking good in bed* (with Ve's first squirting as testimony), I know it'd be a lot easier for me and hotter too if I could re-eroticize sex. I think I've missed being given a framework to consider sex in and this has left me a little autistic towards it.

2)BDSM is fucked:
The traditional model (in vanilla) of the dominant magnanimous strong silent male has always been complete bullshit, and I rejected it from the moment I saw it; but the same is happening in BDSM now too.

The idea of the BDSM male dominant seems very characterless (see fetish nation stuff, etc) The man is rarely focussed on, wears all black street clothes; says really stereotypical things - there is no interpersonal connection and they seem to be as lost as I do - 'idiot experts' (like idiot savants). Again, perhaps it's the deeds and not the interaction that's supposed to be hot there, and so it's probably not a good place to derive knowledge. (I don't think this porn is really designed for women, either... the world is full of exploiters telling and showing men what they want to see as being 'what you need to do to 'be masterfull' and 'be a winner'' - for when you are without vulnerability, that is obviously when women are drawn to you like sex crazed zombies!)

3) The scene and general BDSM sexuality is fucked:
There's no variety in sexuality on the scene either...where are all the LGBT BDSMers? I know there are loads of them (I'd guess at least 30% of the BDSM community in London must be LGBT). I identify as being mainly straight at the moment. Having said that, I'm finding that as I open my mind and remove certain bullshit rules, different things are becoming appealing to watch. I had a thing recently for watching transexual men and women engaging in watersports. I enjoyed watching Buck Angel at TG too. In general, I want a more mixed atmosphere. It seems like there's an unnecessary divide there, and learning and watching as many types of sexualities play just makes you better at what you are doing.

4)I'm fucked:
I confess I'm missing my own sexuality slightly - I know I have a lot of fun (certainly more than I'm entitled to), but I feel like a BDSMer who's in a vanilla relationship with amazing sex. You love what you have, but you still have that itch. There are opportunities to do it with some people, but I just dread the bit where I enjoy myself and they turn around and say "yeah thanks, never again..." - which I understand completely, but just don't want to hear atm. I get that I could do it as an element of Dominance, but it is something which works best when you have 2 people who are into it...

5) I'm still fucked...

As far as sploshing goes, early discussions leave me scratching my head as to the fact that Ve can't get it through her head that you're not supposed to eat it!! lol!

The Invitation is fucked:
TheInvitation (currently being referred to as the masturbation, due to a lack of interest by the BDSM community in general) had it's first scene (here it is with music...see if you can spot Ve!)

On the upside, I am learning dominance at the moment. I have a love/hate thing with dominance...I'm an awesome top, but the dominance thing just gets me...it seems like something I just can't get my head around. I can do it, but I need to make it hot for me - I'm a very immediate person, I don't like build up if I'm doing the work... blah, can't put it into words - I need to make it my own, I guess, rather than just copying...

Poly is going ok, although I'm missing seeing people - then again, I have no money apu, so I'm trying to get real life sorted. There are certain people I need to see soon, who I'm really missing...

I have also noticed that I'm having lots of socio-normative thoughts regarding lifestyle monogamy, etc. It's like when you withdraw from cigarettes; you have these bizarre thoughts which are completely illogical and draw you to smoke when you don't want to, and you have to be quick to pick them up and challenge them with logic... It's weird how much you are conditioned by society into being a non-free thinking entity...but I've never conformed in the past, so why start now...

In case of fairytale characters...

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Mummy!!!!!!!

Post Sweden we were still having a ball - that mummification tape is awesome (see the guy at LAM for more!) especially when it's followed by the sound of a carving knife being sharpened!

So your 'starter for 10' is;

'Is it the knife or the steel that I'm tracing lightly over your hyperventilating body?!'

PICS!!

It was so good we switched...
I'm still a wimp...!

The Land of the Ve, and the home of the 'Natural Dom'

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This writing malarchy...

Well!!!!!! 4702 words in and it's hard. 4702 words sounds easy but there is no waffle in what I've written and I've edited it loads. It's weird how you have to edit it not only for the paragraph content but then for the chapter content and then in terms of how it fits into the book - I guess the key is to splurt it all out and then refine, refine, refine. I've never written like this before but I am absolutely driven to make this amazing.

I have, however, run it past someone who I'm pretty in awe of (and who is very well known on the London scene) and he has been awesomely supportive. With any luck I'm going to be able to convince him to contribute to the book, which would be wonderful! There's even the chance that I could launch my book with his new DVD and that would be amazing, but that's only a maybe atm...

He certainly was brilliant at reviewing my work - it seemed like a merciless thrashing but I know he can do a lot worse...

I'm missing company a lot atm (that's not a request, just a fact) although my house band has just undertaken 'Take a look around' by Limp Bizkit, which has brightened my day. This means that all I have to do is play bass like a pro and sing like Brian Moloko, Fred Durst, James Hetfield, Eddie Vedder, Layne Staley (Alice in Chains), Billy Joe Armstrong, J Mascis (Dinosaur Jr) and Dave Mustaine (Megadeth) - piece of cake, really! :)

Looking forward to going to Sweden on Friday: Ve's mum is finally attending Pride, which has given Ve no end of happiness. Ve spent last night thrashing the hell out of some woman who apparently loved it - I love when switch girls get that 'red veil blood lust fever' thing, it's brilliant...

Hey ho, another day, another dollar...

Writing a book...

is a lot harder than it looks...

I'd like you all to pray for a temporary stat increase in the field of 'verbal articulation'!

Death by Ice-cream...

I went to watch Kung Fu Panda with someone special...(S)

I felt like I had a lot in common with the Panda in general...

Then we had ice cream in an ice cream bar around Leicester Sq....you know, the ones that do 'woman sized' ice creams...

Then I had a lot more in common with the Panda! I was making involuntary noises and felt like I was crystallising internally! Running for the tube doors I'm sure I heard my internal 'Scottie' calling the bridge!!!

Despite this obvious attempt to kill me by my devious, conspiratorial and otherwise gorgeous sub, I reached an important point somewhere between Panda and death...

I trust her.

We've talked a lot over the last two days with an honesty which has been long awaited; I have told her how I felt a few times and braced myself for rejection, but it hasn't been forthcoming. I appreciate that my feelings have run ahead of the curve here, and that's fine...I just needed to know that they would be respected. :)

Today I am at peace with the world... thank you. x.