An Interesting, if predictable question...

I was watching a program on C4 called 'Sisters in Law' which was a documentary by Kim Longinotto and Florence Ayisi about a town in Cameroon where a judge and lawyer, both female, have gradually been able to make a difference. The film follows three cases: a little girl who has been physically abused by her aunt; a teenage girl who was raped by a neighbor; and a woman who brings divorce proceedings against her violently abusive husband.

All in all an excellent, if scary, documentary. In the case of the young girl beaten by her aunt, the judge described the aunt as a sadist - which immediately provoked my mind to start a comparison of the two of us. The aunt tied her wrists and ankles, put pepper all over her and beat her, leaving horrific scars. There is A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE between this woman who was described as a sadist and myself, but it made me question. Previous girlfriends have said I have a sadistic side - I say I don't really. Funnily enough it is most 'normal everyday people' who's sadism frightens me the most - I find their deep denial and burying of issues to maintain a normal appearance only results in sadism, of one sort or another, at a later date. This woman was an orphan whose husband had died - clearly extreme psychological trauma was present here...

I'm not going to 'have a goth moment' but I have questions to ask and I think it's fair I answer for myself first:

1) I had an unpleasant upbringing - my father was an alcoholic and a depressive. You never knew when he would lose his temper. Honestly, he didn't get physical all that often but living with him was psychological torture. I know that as a person I have an aversion to violence. Even if I'm better than average at it, I despise it on so many levels and abhor the thought of visiting harm on others.

There are specific events I can think of such as

scat - I wasn't allowed to go to the toilet in the infants, despite asking, and ended up having an accident. Like a typical man I tried to boot the evidence under the chair of the girl opposite in an effort to pass the blame...but to no avail. LOL! It was humiliating and my both myself and my mother were 'read the riot act' over it.

W/S - being pissed on or in the mouth was a threat regularly tended by local kids to each other in Manchester. Classy city!

WAM - I used to cry when I watched Saturday morning TV. As there was nothing good in my world as a frame of reference, someone getting gunged or hit with a pie was like watching someone being bullied by a group and humiliated. My father would laugh at me and jeer when I cried - he couldn't know the effect his behavior had on his family, but that's where I think it comes from...

2) Unless I am a rock star, multi-millionaire, chess grandmaster and aerobatics champion I will never be successful in my own eyes (or probably those of my mother LOL!). I know I am successful but I'm not where I want to go and I am the most single minded driven individual I know...

3) There is a mild pleasure and a hunger to do more but there is certainly a big safety valve on this type of behavior.

4) The best I can say is that this if you are going to carry a mental scar that making use of it in a way that brings pleasure to others commendable

5)158 from 165 - (not a brag; there's not much to brag about - unless you succeed with it it's just a number.) I think intelligence or possibly emotional intelligence is a linking factor.

So!... My questions to you guys are:

1)Where do you think you're sexuality comes from - did you (like me) have an unhappy childhood? Was there a specific event that you can link your fetishes to?

2) How happy are you with life currently? How successful do you perceive yourself to be?

3) How do you feel when being sadistic/masochistic?

4) Can you think of any positive psychology behind BDSM?

5) What's your IQ? Do you think fetishism and intelligence are linked(if not intelligence then what do you think are/is the linking factor(s)?

6) Is there any question I have not asked that you would like to answer in relation to the question posed?

NB. I appreciate that most will not be as open as myself but brief details like '1) Yes' will do...

POSTSCRIPT: As an adendum to this post, which was written a while ago, I now don't consider that BDSM behaviour comes as a direct result of exposure to negative stimuli... it's the smoking gun that's too easy to pick up and with more exploration of other people's beginning you find that it's really got little to do with it...all in all it's a very 'freudian answer' - and he was a fuckwit of GIGANTIC proportions!!