The thing is though, it's not really about her, it's about the fact that clearly I've made a number of really serious errors of judgement and now I don't feel like I can trust myself anymore, nor can I trust anyone else. I also know that I've completely lost touch with who I am and I've lost touch with my friends. For the first time in a very long time I feel truly alone and living on borrowed time as they may all evaporate in the next few months...
The breakup and my behaviour have made me ask myself a number of really peritnant questions:
- What is it really like to be in a relationship with me. I think the truth is that at the moment it's really boring. I feel like I've lost a part of me that made me exciting, and I don't blame Hedwig for walking away because I was offering her nothing but a regular life - and that's never been the life which I want to live. It makes me want to go on an expedition somewhere or sail round the world - anything to prevent the drudgery of everyday life setting in. I've been really boring as I've fought for a career - I've gone from nothing to the top of my profession in 2 years - but now it seems a hollow victory as it cost me the people I care about the most, me and her...
- How can I trust anyone? Every person I've ever gone out with there's always been something about them that I didn't trust - generally I was right to think so. The thing is though, that with Hedwig I was regularly wrong: she was an amazing person and although I don't think she's a relationship expert in any way, I recognise that I regularly underestimated her. Part of me says that we were never on the same team, and that was true, but I don't see what she or I could really have done differently...
- How can I trust my own judgement? It's clear to me that I really could have done things differently and that my radar was down to a lot of this. I didn't see it, and I took it for granted that because we were polly we would just tone down our relationship at times where we weren't doing to well and needed space - clearly, I'd confused 'poly-theory' with reality. I obviously missed a massive load of stuff that was going on in the relationship and that's not happened before. Either that or you can just take me or leave me and I'm totally forgettable with time...(setting up an immediate jump to question 5).
- Who am I? At the moment, apart from being a boring fuck who can't talk to anyone about his job because it's IT (even though he has to endure others talking about their incredibly dull professions ie HR), well: I'm a spitefull, vengeful, frightened and lonely person - I AM WEAK and it shows... I struggle to contain the rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts because what I don't want to ask myself is as above: Can just take me or leave me? and 'Am I totally forgettable with time'...
- So, to the title of the post, because I guess this encapsulates it for me at the moment, is: what is the point? I've been through this over and over again with relationships, so it just seems so meaningless when you can give your everything to someone, they can give their everything to you, and it's still not enough. Not only that but when you break up and the other person says "I'm sorry you're hurting so bad [...but clearly it's not affecting me]. "
