This writing malarchy...

Well!!!!!! 4702 words in and it's hard. 4702 words sounds easy but there is no waffle in what I've written and I've edited it loads. It's weird how you have to edit it not only for the paragraph content but then for the chapter content and then in terms of how it fits into the book - I guess the key is to splurt it all out and then refine, refine, refine. I've never written like this before but I am absolutely driven to make this amazing.

I have, however, run it past someone who I'm pretty in awe of (and who is very well known on the London scene) and he has been awesomely supportive. With any luck I'm going to be able to convince him to contribute to the book, which would be wonderful! There's even the chance that I could launch my book with his new DVD and that would be amazing, but that's only a maybe atm...

He certainly was brilliant at reviewing my work - it seemed like a merciless thrashing but I know he can do a lot worse...

I'm missing company a lot atm (that's not a request, just a fact) although my house band has just undertaken 'Take a look around' by Limp Bizkit, which has brightened my day. This means that all I have to do is play bass like a pro and sing like Brian Moloko, Fred Durst, James Hetfield, Eddie Vedder, Layne Staley (Alice in Chains), Billy Joe Armstrong, J Mascis (Dinosaur Jr) and Dave Mustaine (Megadeth) - piece of cake, really! :)

Looking forward to going to Sweden on Friday: Ve's mum is finally attending Pride, which has given Ve no end of happiness. Ve spent last night thrashing the hell out of some woman who apparently loved it - I love when switch girls get that 'red veil blood lust fever' thing, it's brilliant...

Hey ho, another day, another dollar...

Writing a book...

is a lot harder than it looks...

I'd like you all to pray for a temporary stat increase in the field of 'verbal articulation'!

Death by Ice-cream...

I went to watch Kung Fu Panda with someone special...(S)

I felt like I had a lot in common with the Panda in general...

Then we had ice cream in an ice cream bar around Leicester Sq....you know, the ones that do 'woman sized' ice creams...

Then I had a lot more in common with the Panda! I was making involuntary noises and felt like I was crystallising internally! Running for the tube doors I'm sure I heard my internal 'Scottie' calling the bridge!!!

Despite this obvious attempt to kill me by my devious, conspiratorial and otherwise gorgeous sub, I reached an important point somewhere between Panda and death...

I trust her.

We've talked a lot over the last two days with an honesty which has been long awaited; I have told her how I felt a few times and braced myself for rejection, but it hasn't been forthcoming. I appreciate that my feelings have run ahead of the curve here, and that's fine...I just needed to know that they would be respected. :)

Today I am at peace with the world... thank you. x.

Blades and edges...

A certain someone has a fear...

We're dealing with it. :) As I mummified her body and head in black plastic (with nose free and heat escape routes on top of head- H&S geeks!) it became increasingly difficult for her to move at all. Some things build and some things just sit there in the mind - a single uncomfortable realisation of paralysis and helplessness. I picked her body up from the standing position and put it on the bed...

There was muffled screaming through the plastic as I caned her thighs, breast and stomach. I ran the double electric pinwheel over her breasts (disconnected, obviously...but no one told her that!! :) ). The spikes 'popped' through the plastic in the same way as they would through skin - an association I was keen to make. All this is foreplay to the main event, which came with a question...

"How am I going to get you out of this stuff then?"
There was just enough tone in the voice to penetrate the floating and grab her attention...why that tone?
"How am I going to remove this plastic?"
Her heart rate rises now as she struggles for words - realisation is dawning as the tone becomes more purposeful...it is the carrier signal for a message of fear and stomach turning betrayal...
"I have one, here..." The villain of the peace is introduced in the arena of the mind...
My voice has taken on a pleading tone now...
"There is no other way for me to get (cut) you out..." I joyfully, with an air of mock concern, appeal to the logic that only the knife can free her...all I need is her consent to use it...I leverage her consent.

I draw the edge of a leather paddle over her body as the fear is reaching fever pitch - I rip the tape from her eyes split seconds before she safewords...I show her the paddle and smile a loving smile.

The smile eventually fades - I want to feel her fear me; I want to bask in it's radiant glory...
And lo a more serious tone is taken...I pick up the EMT shears...her panic rises again...

"May I?" I ask in a rhetorical tone...
The shears slide between her breasts and ever downwards...visibly cutting...she shakes and whimpers all the way down. :)

For the rest of the evening I pushed the envelope with her, I humiliated; she bratted; I rubbed her face in the mess she had made. I bratted back - bigger, harder and nastier. I've never ordered someone to suck my cock with such a dismissive domineering tone - she was there for my amusement, she had a job she is expected to do and she wasn't doing it...I bullied her, controlled her with my voice: Mostly in life I am nice; but sometimes I am scary and dangerous in a very real way - that was the blade, this is the edge...

Pride and the flying Ve!

On Sunday I was able to do something I've wanted to do for a long time and now had an even better reason to do it! I took part in London (Gay) Pride 2008 March! It was fantastic...

To me, it was a chance to celebrate freedom in a world full of endless rules, oppressions and bureaucracy...It was also a chance to learn a lot; meet loads of cool new people; wave at crowds and celebrate the sexuality of someone very close to me. I love Ve and everything about her because she is everything I am not and I guess she breathes life into my otherwise very English, very stilted world! And BOI did she celebrate!!! (Sorry! lol!)

We turned up early, got a big flag which she waved frantically until she realised it wasn't attached and had to go chasing it down the street! She bounced around for the whole of the parade shouting and whistling and going crazy (and occasionally stealing cheeky kisses from girls in the crowd)!

Meanwhile, I understood, in my rather drab dress, surrounded by beautiful semi naked African dancing hunks, how my father must feel at a disco...but 'fuck it' I thought, and whistled some more!!! Particularly I tried to get a reaction from the crowd...It struck me about 60%+ of the crowd were gay, which puzzled me as they were standing, not marching?! Anyhow, I got to one corner and really 'gave it beans!' - nothing! Later Ve informed me that that was the 'Jesus will save you' corner - they should buy some banners, or something - actually, no - they should have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up!

I was impressed with the people I met too - I admit here and now that Trans people have always unnerved me - but I've always pushed past that fear in order to get to know them - they are actually mostly great people. What harm would it do to let them just be themselves? They walked up and down the street and the world didn't end; An overly aroused Godzilla didn't come up the Thames in a tutu (Shame really, I'd have loved to have heard TFLs excuse for that one - wrong type of gender queer monster on the track?!)...would have made 7/7 look like the 4th July!

Actually the Trans people were cool; seems stonewall don't want to know about them, though- wtf?! Why be such a fantastic , heroic organisation, then behave like the people you had to overcome in the first place in regards to someone else's need to be themselves: Just because it doesn't fit your model? Why not be a hero to all?

As for me, well, I'm coping with the desperate fear that I might be straight ;) but am still refusing to classify myself - I'll see if the urge takes me, and if it does, well... :)

All about S...

Right! All that goth shit out of the way, let's talk about someone who deserves a big mention, as she rocks my world!!

I met S about a month and a half ago. Since then we've met a few times and played three times. I like her a lot! More importantly, I like her as a person. We have a lot in common - we're both Northern, with posh accents that slip the more gin we drink and/or the more indignant we get. More interesting though is that she has new and interesting things to talk about and show me... I'm big into new and fascinating things. (as well as vocabulary, which is at present on missing, presumed dead!)

Play wise; I just don't know what to do first...there's so much and always so little time, coupled with the fact that I just enjoy 'being with her'...*anyone else seeing the 'L' word making an ugly and ill timed appearance here? Well yes and no; I can see the start of something cool, but it takes a lot more time and trust before I allow it to form in any meaningful way, see previous post for reasons of cautiousness...*

I loved her views on submission a lot and she loved mine. The idea that you actually hand over control to someone else and that it's not all about your pleasure...

I'm noticing, although I find it hard, that as a Dom it's easy to get pushed into the roll of 'sex aid!' To make the role work well you have to push back, and it's no mean feat as good subs push HARD!

It has been through this relationship that I have discovered the need for D/s and it has now become my life quest to:

1. Talk more during Doming
2. Actually have a session where I pick up no toys whatsoever!
3. Just do many, many more bad things to her!

I'm sure I've made this clear to her on many occasions and I'm clearly not going to turn into a dribbling idiot (*I know...shut up!*) but I've never met anyone quite like her - she is unique and belongs in a hall of fame for fantastically sexy and amazing northerners!

Update: Perhaps not the 'L' word, more the 'I' word (Infatuation) I think...and it's getting stonger... :)

Damage...

Do you remember when life was so simple...

I wore my heart on my sleeve and was completely unafraid of the damage people could do to me...it just rolled off me, because I was me and I was great. So why's that not happening so much anymore...

I think my last relationship has damaged me. I really took it to the limit with that one. I had the gun aimed at me because I didn't have a job and in short I was told I had to give up my dream of running my own business because it was impacting on our lifestyle...

Let's set the record straight then: when I first met this person I thought they were going to die, and yet I still went out with them. I dealt with all the challenges, like the sleep disorder, etc whilst being that person's 24hr carer and performing every household task as well. I became that person's slave in essence - Interesting how, in many ways, a Dom is actually servile to a sub...

When we broke she told me that she had 'watched the man she love deteriorate'...and that I had to prove that I could earn a wage...

We split

2 months later I billed my first £5k...

Being me is hard - I am the tough, all or nothing option: I am crippled by debt; I am alone and work SO hard and never get a break and I think that it is this stress and strain that is causing me to be so less resilient and so much a shadow of who I really am...

Today I got the all clear over a cancer scare - whilst I realised that I may be in trouble, I didn't really care and I feel no better.

My main fear, however, is that I may be too fragile to handle those people that I should, properly. Indeed if you read the next post, I finally get to talk about someone I really care about and have not handled as well as I might...